


Jurgen Leitner? in MY basement? more likely than you think.

by Katok



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Other, clown town made me do it, i can't think of things to tag, leitner eats a rat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25432279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katok/pseuds/Katok
Summary: One day you meet a beautiful man named Jurgen Leitner who's been living in your basement eating rats.(also s/o to everyone in clown town 2.0 for motivating me to write this)
Relationships: Jurgen Leitner/Reader
Comments: 40
Kudos: 31





	Jurgen Leitner? in MY basement? more likely than you think.

All day, you’d been hearing thumping from your basements. At first, you had assumed that the thumps were simply the large rats that lived down there, but after a few hours you realized that the rats had never been this loud before.

Determined to find out what was in your basement, you walked down the stairs into your basement to find the source of the noise. Looking around, you saw the silhouette of a person crouching over something in the corner of the room. Alarmed, you started to back away and pull out your phone to call the police, but stopped when the man turned around and stepped out of the shadow, still crouching.

You gasped. This man was the hottest man you had ever seen! His attractive sagging old man skin and his beautiful bald head. Looking at his face covered in wrinkles, you blushed and looked away, for he was too sexy to look at directly.

Still looking away, you asked the man, “Who are you and why are you in my basement?”

“ My name is Jurgen weitner. I got hungwy UwU and i couwd teww you had some yummy wummy wats in youw basement OwO” He said in an EXTREMELY attractive old man voice.

You blushed even more as you realized that this is your chance! You had an excuse to talk more to this beautiful man and his stubby, veiny, wrinkly hands. 

“My name is Y/N. Do you maybe want to come upstairs? I could give you some tasty non-rat food”

His sexy rat face grew red, “ OwO do you weawwy mean it? I haven’t had anything othew than wats in weeks UwU!”

You suddenly felt a large amount of sympathy for this wonderful man, due to your tragic backstory where you had to live in the walls of someone’s house and had to eat exclusively rats, “Of course I mean it! You can have all the food you want!”

You offered your hand to help Leitner stand up from where he crouched on the floor. As he grabbed your hand with his own hand and you gasped as his attractive old man leathery skin touched yours and you immediately felt a connection.

He smiled shyly, and you could get a good look at his beautiful teeth. They were yellow and rotting from not brushing them in a while. Despite this you thought his teeth were extremely beautiful.

You looked into his eyes. They were like a beautiful deep brown piss, it is obvious that Leitner has never drank water in his entire life, which is totally hot OwO. You gasped and pulled your hand away, accidentally scratching your hand on his sexy long nails that had clearly not been cut in a long time because this beautiful man clearly did not care about his health.

You turned away, gently cradling the hand that had been scratched with your other hand, already making plans to never clean the cuts so it gets infected and you always have something to remind you of Leitner. 

You started walking towards the staircase with the hottest man you have  _ ever _ seen following behind you on his wobbly old man legs that he could clearly barely stand on.

The two of you walked up your staircase and towards your kitchen, with you watching Leitner closely the whole time to make sure that his pathetic little man legs did not collapse beneath him.

You both made it to your kitchen and you guided Leitner to sit down in a chair. You thought that Leitner deserved a chair fitting of his beauty, but alas, you did not have a chair that is even close to matching Leitner’s beauty. 

Looking around your kitchen for food that you thought Leitner would like, you were struck with the sudden realization that none of the food you have could ever be good enough for Leitner. You almost fell to the floor and started crying, knowing that you did not have what this handsome man deserves.

Turning around , you asked him, “Do you have something specific you want to eat?"

Leitner smiles shyly, blushing, "UwU I want some chicken, pwease"

You smiled, filled with joy once again. You could do this! You knew that you had some chicken in your fridge! Searching through your fridge for the chicken, you found it and pulled it out and set it on your counter. 

Before you could even begin to consider cooking the chicken, Leitner reached over with his ridiculously long nails and stabbed one of the chicken breasts, pulling it towards himself. You blushed again, finding his extremely long nails to be very attractive.

He shoved the entire chicken breast into his mouth and without chewing, swallowed it whole. He speared another raw chicken breast with his long, sharp and dirty nails. He continued to aggressively shovel the raw chicken into his mouth.

You blushed even more, finding the way that he ate his food like a feral raccoon to be even more attractive than his long, dirty nails.

You awkwardly stood in front of him,"Do you, uh, do you want me to cook that for you?"

"No! OwO it tastes better this way UwU!" Leitner says in his horrible, disgusting old man voice.

"Oh. Ok" You said, not entirely believing that the chicken tastes better raw.

As he ate more chicken and began to slow down, you noticed that his long nails seemed to get in the way of him properly eating. You reached out and grabbed one of his hands. The hand had been covered in tasty chicken juice from shovelling slimy raw chicken into his mouth. You find it attractive.

“Do you maybe want to trim your nails, Leitner?” You ask him, gently stroking one of the very long nails.

He quickly pulled his hands away, hissing at you, “No! How can i eat raw meat without my long nails?”

He had such such a good argument that you had absolutely no counterpoint. Frowning, you said, "you're right, Leitner. I'm sorry."

He smiled at you, raw chicken hanging out of his mouth in a cute and quirky way, "It's fine, Y/N, you didn't know. And please, call me Jurgen."

You gasped, stumbling back in shock. This handsome wrinkly old man was letting  _ you _ call him by his first name. You just couldn't believe it.

You continued to watch him, enraptured by the way this beautiful man and realizing how lucky you are to have him decide to eat rats from  _ your _ basement and not anyone elses.

Once Leitner finished eating all of your chicken, he looked at you, stroking your cheek with his nails, getting dirt from on his nails onto your cheek. You resolved to never clean your face again. He blushed and looked away, "Thank you OwO. I was so hungwy UwU"

You blushed again, stepping away. Leitner shifted awkwardly, "Do you want me to weave UwU? I can if you want OwO." He asked sadly

You gasped in shock, hoping he didn't actually want to leave, "Of course not! You can stay as long as you want! Unless you want to leave." you said shyly.

Leitner flew back FIFTY FEET in shock, not expecting that you would want him to stay in your home! Leitner pushed himself off of the floor and smiled at you, showing you his beautiful rotting and yellow teeth again, “Weww, if you don’t want me to weave then what do you want to do UwU?” He asked attractively.

You smiled back shyly, “We could watch a movie if you want.”

Leitner blushed, reaching out with his very long nails and cradling your hand with them, “I’d wike that vewy much UwU.”

You walked towards your family room, gently pulling Leitner along by his untrimmed nails. You lovingly pushed him onto the couch and sat down next to him. You turned to him, looking into his eyes and you couldn’t help but notice that he had eyes like a swamp, gross and dirty. You looked away, wondering what movie you should put on before you realized that you only had one option. You HAD to show Leitner your all time favorite movie, Despicable Me 3.

As the movie went on, the two of you became progressively closer to each other, until you were right next to him and you were cradling his wrinkly, leathery hand with your own. Leitner seemed to love the movie just as much as you do and he also seemed to find Gru to be extremely attractive.

Once the movie was done, he turned to you, his dry eyes wide, “ UwU i woved this movie so much! Gru was such a hunk! Of course he’s not as hunky as you OwO!” 

You blushed! That was the highest compliment you could ever receive! You couldn’t believe that anyone could ever think you were hotter than Gru!

He turned towards you, blushing “I think im weady for you to twim my naiws. Just make sure not to cut them too short OwO”

You gasped. You could barely believe this hunk of a man trusted you ( _ you _ !!!) to trim his nails. You knew that if you were in his position, you would not trust someone you just met to cut your sexy nails. Then again, maybe you would.

You nodded and grabbed a pair of very large and extremely sharp scissors. You gently grabbed his bony old man hands and using the scissors, carefully trimmed his extremely long nails and once a nail was trimmed, you’d place the cut off nail into a bowl, as a treat for later.

Once you were done you carefully set down the scissors and cradled the bowl in your arms.

“Do you,,,, want to share these?” You said shyly, holding the bowl out to Leitner. As you both chowed down on the tasty snack, you stared at your framed photo of Lin-Manuel Miranda on your wall, trying to figure out whether or not he’s more attractive than leitner. After a long moment of consideration, you decided that Leitner was more attractive than the most attractive man ever. 

Without even noticing, you and Leitner had eaten almost all the nails except for one. You both reached for it at the same time and Leitner blushed even more. You both began to eat it from opposite ends, like that one scene from that dog movie. 

The two of you met in the middle and kissed. His lips were disgusting and dry like paper. When you pulled away, a layer of his lip skin came off and you ate it because it’s a tasty, tasty treat.

You realized that there was only one way to show your gratitude. Standing up, you dramatically turned around and sprinted towards your framed photo of lin-manuel Miranda. You aggressively pulled the photo of Lin-Manuel Miranda doing his classic pose out of the golden picture frame and ate it. Pulling out the photo of Leitner that you took while he wasn’t looking, you proceeded to carefully place it into the frame and just to make sure, placed a little kiss on it before placing it once more on your wall.

When you turned around and looked back at Leitner. He was staring at you in shock, his mouth gaping and his eyes as wide as they could go as he clutched at his chest. For a moment, you were worried that he had a heart attack. You were pretty certain he was old enough that it was extremely likely.

Luckily, your fears went away as he began to spoke. “OwO You,,,,,, think im sexiew than that totaw hottie, Lin-Manuew Miwanda. That’s the highest compwiment you could evew give anyone.”

You nodded, “Yeah! While he is a TOTAL hunk, you’re even sexier.”

Leitner blushed once more and reached out to hold your hands, but before he could, somebody knocked on your door. You gave Leitner a regretful look before walking towards the door to open it. 

As you opened the door you frowned, not recognizing the man awkwardly standing in the doorway, attempting to look past you into your home. He didn't seem to be delivering any packages, so you opened your mouth to ask him why he was there but you were interrupted by a loud gasp. 

You turned around, alarmed, and saw Leitner gaping at the man in the doorway. He seemed to have finally gotten a good look at the green man, and going off of his reaction, you assumed that Leitner knew this man extremely well. 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for creating and making you read this horrible abomination.
> 
> anyways here comes the dumb sappy shit abt clown town 2.0 so if you don't want to read it feel free to skip.  
> anyways I'm so glad that I joined clown town 2.0 and despite torturing you all with my horrible creations I do love y'all a lot. I'm putting this here because I refuse to acknowledge I have feelings in the chat (gross yucky yucky no thanks) even when you all share your awful creations (looking at you peeled Tim and plant fucker Elias) I still love and adore all of you stupid bitches ❤️❤️❤️ anyways happy one month server anniversary
> 
> (special thanks to Darby for helping me fix the formatting)


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